Kitties Hate the Boop/Trump is a Shit Gibbon
Marshall McLuhan stated that all technologies are an extension of normal human senses and skills in the ancestral environment . When we were evolving, we ran things to death, we threw things at them until they died, or we ran at them throwing things. Because as you read this, Dear Reader, we are communicating via lighting in a box, thousands of miles removed from the ancestral lake in Africa where we all come from, this was an obviously successful strategy. Running is all well and good, but for one fact — the kitties run faster. Big kitty, tree kitty, small kitty, sand kitty, they all run faster than a Human Being. Human Beings are weak meat bags that are exceptionally tasty when gashed open. We would have died out on the Great Kitty Plains, except for one little thing: we are exceptionally skilled hunters when using projectile weapons. This removes the meat bag from danger of being slashed open by very angry kitties. Also, although kitties run fast, kitties don’t run very long. Also kitties hate being booped on the nose. Use your hand. Use thrown rocks. All kitties hate the boop. If a kitty is chasing you to gash open your meat bag, throw a rock and boop it. They will stop chasing you. For a while…
Human beings became the most lethal predator on the planet by running and throwing things. One at a time or both. And this just scales up as we go through history. What is war but a series of human beings running and throwing things? Not at kitties anymore, but at other human beings. First we just used fire and horses, but then we discovered how to use fire to blow up tiny rocks to throw bigger rocks. Then we discovered how to use the juice from rocks to make the horses go faster. The horses went so fast they all died. We had to make the horses out of rocks after that.
One thing that stands out though, throughout all of history — sometimes Human Beings get too old to run or throw rocks. Human knees get weak. Human shoulders get sore. But Humans have a nifty trick. Human Beings can throw their thoughts with sound waves. It’s pretty cool. (Human Beings even figured out a way to throw their thoughts with sound waves THROUGHOUT TIME!!!!!! That’s the real mindfucker there, but outside the scope of this column.) Aged Human Beings will throw their thoughts at younger Human Beings and get them to do things. It’s an amazing skill. What’s really sad though is that Aged Human Being Males will throw their thoughts at Young Human Being Males and get them to stop having sex with the other Young Human Beings. Then the Aged Human Being Males will throw the Young Human Beings REALLY REALLY HARD at other Human Beings, regardless of age. Just to watch them go splat like baby frogs in a slingshot. It’s an amazing trick really.
To sum up, Human Beings are very good at throwing things at kitties. At some point, they stopped throwing things at kitties and started throwing things at other Human Beings. The Other Human Beings threw things back. The Human Beings called this Battle. If you put a lot of Battles together, you get a War. The only people who could remember the difference between a Battle and War were the Aged Human Beings. But the Aged weren’t as strong as the Young. But then they realized they could throw the Young Human Beings. With the sound coming out of their mouths. They were no longer Aged with bad shoulders. They were Generals.
Never forget folks, Human Beings kill by using projectile weapons. A battle is young men killing each other with projectile weapons. What is war but old men who instead of using actual projectile weapons to kill other old men, go one level up the file folder and start using young men as projectile weapons to kill old and young alike? War is nothing more than old men who use young men as projectile weapons. And the young men go splat. Because they are meat bags. And meat bags go splat.
Donald Trump is an Aged Human Being Male who is too afraid to talk shit to people face to face. He uses Twitter instead, or a television. He’s a profoundly cowardly Human Being. And now he’s winding up to throw a bunch of Young Human Beings at a five thousand year old country filled with 80,000,000 Human Beings just to watch the Young go splat.
Fuck Trump.
