RFCs for 2% Systems (Restaurants are Fucking Cool)
RFC #1. Restaurant Terms for the 21st Century
GUEST/HOST RELATIONSHIP-A diner in a restaurant is not a customer. A diner in a restaurant is a guest. A host can ask a guest to leave if the guest violates certain rules of hospitality. The primary rule violation involves alcohol use (or rather abuse).
PPA — Per person average. The PPA is how much one average guest will spend per dining occasion. This is food and drink. It does not include tax or tip. An average fast casual restaurant PPA will be about $25.00. A high end steak house like Pappas Brothers in Dallas, TX can be as high as $160.00 PPA. There are even higher end luxury establishments, but they are frivolous and shall be destroyed in The All-Consuming Fire that is the Viridian Revolution
WHALES- Guests who have demonstrated a habit of generating higher PPAs relative to the average of the restaurant. A guest who buys a bottle of Sassicaia versus a Brunello di Montalcino would be considered a good guest. A guest who buys a second bottle of Sassicaia would be considered a whale. A guest who buys a third bottle of Sassicaia would be considered a mythical leviathan roaming the depths of the Rivers and Lakes only surfacing with great turbulence and joy
UTC (UNIFORM TOUCHES) — Any restaurant or bar will generally require you to wear some kind of identifier to demonstrate that you are employed in the establishment. (For the purposes of this RFC, we shall exclude local dive bars and one-off sports bars where you can wear street clothes. That is a different RFC.) Most establishments require a minimum of a uniform shirt, black or blue slacks (for men), non-skid shoes, an apron of some kind and pens. This is the bare minimum for most waiters. This is the five touch uniform. As you move up the PPA scale, the waiter will be required to serve wine. This requires a wine key and a lighter, producing the seven-touch uniform. Any bartender will have an eight-touch uniform which is the seven-touch plus a bar key. Certain high end steakhouses enter into the terrain of silly bullshit with 14 touch and higher uniforms, but they will be simplified in The All-Consuming Fire that is the Viridian Revolution.
GDQ (GUEST DINING EDUCATION QUOTIENT)- guest dining education quotient. The precise definition of GDQ will be defined in the later revision of this RFC. In short, Chili’s guests will generally have a lower GDQ than those dining at a high end sushi restuarant. A New Year’s Eve Guest at a fine dining establishment will generally have a lower GDQ than a business diner in that same establishment on a Tuesday evening in July.
MFER (MANAGERIAL FLACK) — It is generally accepted in the Rivers and Lakes Underworld that Restaurant Managers gatekeep access to money via hiring, training, scheduling, and section assignments. Low Managerial Flack is when you have a manager who is transparent and objective. High Managerial Flack is when you have an incompetent cokehead who is more interested in sucking down Jameson, banging the hostesses and assigning their friends the whales.
SDE (SIDEWORK) — Sidework is divided into three sections: opening, running, and closing. Opening sidework is what is necessary to open the restaurant — brew coffee and tea (preferably without scalding yourself and getting written up), polish silver and glassware, and check tables and chairs for proper mise-en-place (“mise-en-place” is outside the scope of this RFC. For a more in depth discussion about “mise-en-place” or “mise” please see “現代美國氣學理論” by 麥劫機.) Running sidework is done during the middle of service, and is generally characterized by polishing silver, plates, and glassware or anything else necessary for the operation of the restaurant while guests are in their seats. Closing sidework is anything necessary to close the restaurant, leaving it in a safe and sanitary condition. SDE is derived from MFER using a formula that is part Navier-Stokes, part eye of newt.
THE DEBRIEF- In Ancient Greece, the Athenians would not let their Hoplite back into the city after the end of a war. They made them wait outside the city gates for several months. This allowed the battle rage to disperse and the men to process the horrors of combat. It was the Classical World’s attempt to prevent PTSD. After close of business, most waiters and bartenders have to process the shift in a similar fashion, as a bar or restaurant shift is the comedic version of a battle. (Comedy because FNB is not tragedy and there are no bodies on stage at the end of the shift. Well, hopefully. There might be bodies on stage at Nick and Sam’s in Dallas.) In the debrief, waiters and bartenders process the evening by bitching about their coworkers, praising good performance (“YOU’RE MY BOY, TONY!), attempting to get laid, and generally spending 40–60% of the money they earned that shift.
INC (INCOMPETENT FUCKS)- This is a side effect of a High MFER rating. If a manager hires an individual, they must be trained to the particularities of the establishment. (Restaurants and Bars are examples of Fonzed Systems par excellance. “Fonzed Systems” are outside the scope of this RFC.) If they are not properly trained, they will create problems for other waiters and bartenders. They will become incompetent coworkers and you will curse them over a bourbon and cokes at whatever bar you and the rest of the team debriefs at.
THE BENJABLE — The benjable is a metric for application in the first month of working in a restaurant or bar. It is very simple. It is the ratio of the PPA compared to the amount of uniform touches + sidework + managerial flack + incompetent coworkers + GDQ that the waiter/bartender has to endure. It is the benjamins to bullshit ratio, the benjable. Whereas the PPA is a single number, the benjable is a composite and therefore prone to some complexity and interpretation.
The Benjable is PPA/Bullshit (UTC + GDQ + MFER + SDE + INC)
