The Only Minor Shakespearean Sex Comedy to Come Out of Hurricane Katrina. Chapter Zero:

“The Sisters Take McNallycat’s Walking Tour of New Orleans”

E, N, H: to be very clear it scares the fuck out of me to give you recommendations of where to go in New Orleans. For me, that city is deeply haunted. Fucking ghosts everywhere. And not just the normal poltergeists but the bitter haunting of failure, of shattered dreams, of lives completely thwarted. You all grew up just Catholic enough to understand a bit of this. I took that shit in the face as a child growing up in the 1980s. But anyway, that’s just the NOLA PTSD talking.

Enough prologue.

An M68 PRODUCTION: “MAIJAX RECOMMEND THE NEW ORLEANS PLACE GUIDE” and “MCNALLYCAT FLANEUR”

https://youtu.be/rEncHGGU1Eo?si=JstCRj7TP11g9ngv

1. First thing that you want to do is get checked into your hotel, put on decent shoes and get into the Quarter. But you already know this. Then immediately leave your hotel. Fuck everything else. Go directly to Napoleon House. (https://www.napoleonhouse.com)
   This place is the epitome of New Orleans. Get a Sazerac. Watch the bartender’s hands. Eat some red beans and rice. Enjoy the classical music in the Spanish architecture. Lavish in the Colonialism and the baroque. It’s awesome. But there’s so much suffering. And that’s why you get a Sazerac.
2. Then you go to Cafe Du Monde. Get a cafe au lait and some beignets . Ain’t shit else on the menu. If you’re lucky, you’ll go in the morning and have the Vietnamese waitresses. That’s a piece of New Orleans history in itself. Turn around — that’s Jackson Square. And part of the reason we lost the war in Vietnam. Go and cross the levee and look at The Father of All Waters. Revere him. Be respectful. That river will fucking kill you. It is 250 feet deep right there. He is The Lord. That River knows no ruler.
3. OK. At this point, you’ve paid tribute to the Ghosts of New Orleans. They shouldn’t fuck with you going forward. Now we can proceed.
4. Coops Place for Gumbo. Coops opens you up to the wide world of Goths, Gutter Punks, and old school punk rock New Orleans that is left on Decatur Street. But a lot of that ain’t there no more. https://www.coopsplace.net/
5. This area used to be Little Sicily. The mob was formed here. There’s the French Market and Central Market. Get a Muffelatta. Be a tourist. It’s a guilty pleasure. Enjoy it.
6. If you keep going down Decatur, you’re on Frenchman. There’s a badass hamburger spot called Port of Call in that area. Definitely worth a check. Everything else on Frenchman has changed in the past 15 years. There’s a couple of jazz clubs worth checking out — Snug Harbor, Apple Barrel and the Spotted Cat. I almost got shot at the Spotted Cat in July 2005 for talking some ferocious shit to a trumpet player. So, you should check it out. But stay alert. The greatest bar in sexual history was this place called Cafe Brazil — on Frenchman , but I think they’ve closed. A buddy of mine, Scott Edwards, used to run a gallery along that area. I’ll check and see if he’s still around.
7. Come back around to Royal Street. There’s a spot there called “R Bar”. Good shit. My ex-wife and I got propositioned for a threesome by one of the MTV Reality TV chicks there. I also had a man describe writing as assaulting the page with a knife in that bar. Don’t go home with that guy. But It’s a fucking great bar.
8. There’s another Deep New Orleans bar on Esplanade — Cosimo’s. Fantastic Place. I always met extraordinary human beings here. I had a massive crush on a Korean American woman who grew up in the Lower 9. An incredibly woman. Absolutely refused to sleep with me. Was probably a smart move on her part. Point being – you’ll meet cool people here. Stay alert tho.
9. You are now starting to drift to Rampart. Avoid Rampart. You aren’t hard enough for Rampart Avenue. Go back down Esplanade until you hit Bourbon. It’ll be dark, so stick together and be quiet. Cackling drunk girls are a huge assed target in the City That Care Forgot.
10. As you walk along Bourbon, you will eventually hit the 1100 block or so. This is where the gay clubs hit. By all means go in them. It’s fucking full blast and fun. Oz is probably the best, but it’s kind of normal.
11. As you walk uptown from the Marigny, you’ll get into normal assed tourist shit. I’ll check and see if Sam the Hide and Go Seek Man is working along Bourbon. Megan Browne is still there. Judy the Best might be around there as well. Not sure. Definitely check out:
    Lafitte’s Blacksmith. Erin Rose. Rick’s Cabaret (Best fucking strip club in America.) But avoid most of this crap on Bourbon. It’s damned.
12. Go down Bourbon to Iberville. Lakeside of you is Alibi. The Roast Beef Po’boy is fantastic. That bar is loud as fuck and dangerous tho. If you turn riverside, go down to Chartres. The block between Iberville and C-Anal contains three of the best bars in American history — The Jemini, Back Space, and Sneaky Pete’s. The Jemini is also deeply haunted. Profoundly deeply haunted. Screaming ghosts of men who are burning to death levels of haunted. Absolutely go fuck your self levels of haunted. But Back Space is so charming that you forget how much shit has happened in New Orleans. And then when they kick you out at 8:00 AM, you go over to Sneaky Pete’s (Or Insidious Peter’s as was his confirmation name. ) and ask for Krummel. James Krummel is the absolute best bartender that I have ever seen in my damn life. And I’ve met Dale DeGroff. You can sit in Sneaky Pete’s literally all fucking day and night. I once had to bid farewell to a bunch of my coworkers sitting there plastered at 6:30 AM. I went off and worked a whole assed day job. I came back at 5:30 PM and they were still there. Insidious Peter’s, y’all.

That’s enough adventure for one day. Tomorrow we will discuss uptown. Sleep well, ya lushes.

Day the Second:

I.
You’ve awoken in the city that care forgot. It didn’t forget about your hangover tho. There’s a hundred breakfast spots in the city. Grab one that has fried green tomatoes on it. Properly done, they’ll make you slap your momma. Desire Oyster Bar is architecturally beautiful and a good place to consider. It’s a little touristy, but one must nod to the ghosts. https://www.sonesta.com/royal-sonesta/la/new-orleans/royal-sonesta-new-orleans/desire-oyster-bar

Once you’ve done that — complete with Bloody Mary — work your way up to the corner of Canal and Carondelet. Get on the streetcar. I have no idea what it costs anymore. You’re going to do some boring assed history shit. But you need to. It’s important. You’ll start to roll, turn the corner and head back Uptown. You are now in the CBD. I couldn’t fucking tell you what bars are still worth a damn in the CBD. You’ll roll up to what used to be called Lee Circle. If you want to go to the National WWII Museum, get off here. I doubt you’ll want to spend the time, but it is completely worth it. It does also take a full three days to go through everything. Probably not how you’d want to spend a birthday trip.

Keep going. You are passing under The I-10 bridge. This whole area is kind of blighted, but you are moving to the LGD. It’ll be fine. As you move past the bridge and the run down area, you’ll notice the houses start to get pretty. This is the Garden District. This is where Judy’s endless vodka restaurant is.

Also, there’s a fun set of streets named after the Greek Muses and then a series named after famous battles Napoleon fought. That’s how much history there is in New Orleans.

You’re going to take the streetcar up to Riverbend to do fun touristy shit and then maneuver back to the Quarter, but remember when you get to Napoleon Avenue. You’re going to come back this way.

As the street car rolls along, you’ll see my alma mater, Loyola. Wave to Touchdown Jesus. If you’re drunk enough, he will wave back. Next door is Tulane University. Mark the location, because right across the street is Audubon Park. It’s definitely worth walking around the park just to see the oak trees and the Spanish moss and all the Southern shit. It’s a beautiful park and definitely worth the stroll.

The last stop on your streetcar excursion is at Riverbend. Pull for the stop, get off and head over to Cooter Brown’s. It’s a simple dive bar with oysters, muffelattas, and stupid good cheese fries. Also, they’ve got a whole bunch of draft beer — classic New Orleans bar food. Plus there’s a bunch of pool tables. https://www.cooterbrowns.com/

I would personally go up to Cooter’s and then come back to Audubon Park and walk off lunch.

At Riverbend, you are close to a tetrad of college bars that we used to drink in — Quills, Brunos, and Philips. These are fun, but you’ll probably not be that interested. You might. However, these bars are just the warm up for the fourth bar, the greatest dive bar in American History. Fuck it, in the history of the world — Snake and Jake’s Christmas Club Lounge. The bar is a converted garage lit only by Christmas tree lights. It generally gets going around midnight, peaks around 4 AM, and then closes around dawn. Events can get hectic. It’s worth investigating. Uber in and Uber out. Do not walk in that neighborhood around Snake’s. It can get stick-upy.

II.
The second area to walk around in Uptown, is Magazine Street, starting around a venue called Les Bon Temps Roule — shit loads of fantastic music here. https://lbtrnola.com/ An old history professor and friend of mine, the man who taught me how to write, the Esteemed Mark Fernandez sometimes plays here. As do Soul Rebels.

In Uptown, go find these bars and drink in them. They’re all in the Garden District along Magazine. I highly recommend walking in that area as well. Really beautiful architecture.

Parasol’s — They have the St. Pat’s Parade out of this bar.
Miss Mae’s — The cheapest, darkest dive bar in the US
Balcony Bar, Rum House, The Rendezvous Tavern -Fun Local hang outs for Magazine Street.

There’s a little bit more upscale shit like The Delachaise and the like. Up to you. https://www.thedelachaise.com/

By this point, you should be pretty trashed and starting to get up to Sisters level bullshit. I leave you to the shenanigans.

Don’t worry. Day Three will be back in the CBD/FQ and environs — Music and Museums.

III.
Sunday, Day Three. Or is it Four? Fuck it. Cuz New Orleans.

Go to Mass at St. Louis Cathedral. Or this weird fucking Islamic looking church off Carondelet or some shit. Immaculate Conception. They’re a Jesuit church. The Jesuits are God’s Mafia, but they’ll still give the same assed lukewarm my-niece-is-nice homily that most priests give in the current day. But at least the church is pretty.

If you don’t go to Mass in the most Catholic city in the US, you know what happens? Not a goddamned thing. But at least you can tell your grandmother that you dragged your ass out of the hotel room to go to Mass at St. Louis Cathedral in the most Catholic city in the US. It’s a minor brag. Seriously consider it. Grace is earned through works. Or Immaculate Conception. (https://wanderlog.com/place/details/136131/immaculate-conception-jesuit-church) Either way, it’ll be grace is earned through works. Which is work and generally tedious as shit. And you’re on vacation. So, I get it. God is The Lord’s stage name and that bitch is drunk off her tits.

So, here we are. The actual pleasure of New Orleans. As much as New Orleans is a fucked up debautch of drinking, sex, fatness, engorgement, slavery, ghosts, and needless suffering; there is actually a slow, beautiful and blue skied Caribbean pleasure to the city.

Fun shit you should consider:
1. Take a ride on one of the river boats — the Natchez, the Creole Queen, or the Cajun Queen.

2. There are multiple of the best restaurants in the United States in the French Quarter.
A. Two of my favorites:
https://www.revolutionnola.com/
https://www.gwfins.com/

B. Then there are the classics — Galatoire’s and Antoine’s. But that’s mostly old people food that tastes like dead rabbits and menthol cigarettes. There are some great dishes tho. Also, you probably won’t get in, nor would you care to.

C. If you want, find out the location of some of the house restaurants like Dooky Chase’s https://www.dookychaserestaurants.com/
Or Clancy’s. Or Martinique Bistro. These are frigates even better and faster than the huge grey battleships of New Orleans cuisine like Galatoire’s and Antoine’s

3. Buskers — wander around the Quarter and listen to the musicians. They may be playing on the street, but some of these people are the best in the world. Charley Crocker got started busking in New Orleans.

4. There’s an Audubon Museum of Bugs. I’ve never been. I would absolutely adore it if you all went and screamed a lot.

5. The Ghost tours. I obviously know more about New Orleans ghosts than these hippie charlatans. But at least get you some Marie Laveau Magic Huge Schlong Powder for your next relationship.

6. Ask around for where a brass band is playing that evening. It’ll be worth your while.

7. Also there’s the dungeon and a couple of gothy sex clubs. That was never exactly my scene. You can literally fuck in the grass in that city. Why would you hide in a dungeon? I leave that to you all.

That’s what I got for you. You’ll have to listen to the podcast for the rest of the story. Stay Alert. Stick together. Get fucked up. Be Safe

Love, McNallycat.

Addendum:

Oh wait. I forgot this place

Piazza d'Italia (New Orleans) - Wikipedia

New Orleans is THE most Italian city in the US. I’ve been told that it’s spiritually identical to Palermo. But this is an adventure for another trip.

OK. NOW I’m done.