Traffic Laws
INTRO: So, I’m pretty calm when it comes to dealing with actual people. I can be a humanwhispering motherfucker when I need to be. But the one thing that gives me apoplectic Yosemite Sam levels of sputtering blind road rage is on Henderson in Dallas. Right in front of Victor Tangos and Hibiscus, as you are traveling east away from Central, there is a “no left turn” sign. There are double yellow lines reinforcing the fact that it is forbidden to turn left onto Miller Road. In the 18 months I was in Dallas, at least once a week, some sonofabitch would sit there waiting for the traffic keyhole, backing up traffic behind them. Waiting. To pounce. On that illegal left turn.
I: Now, I callously break certain traffic laws. I am not a saint. But I am always generally courteous and respectful of other drivers. I paid attention in Drivers Ed, I had a CDL for a number of years, I have had exactly one accident and one speeding ticket in 20 years of driving. I take other drivers needs into consideration when I’m driving. Basically, I’m 37 years old and I no longer drive with my dick.
Every single time I have seen somebody making this illegal left turn on Henderson, it has never been a guy in a work truck, somebody in their $3k beater cash car, or a busted out tail light. I don’t think I’ve ever observed a Ford F-150 driver pull off this shit. It’s ALWAYS some motherfucker in an Audi. In a Mercedes. In a Range Rover. Always sitting there, waiting, telling the four cars behind them “oh I see there is a law, but I don’t care. I’m better than all of you. My money means my time is more important than yours. I am more important than everyone else driving in this city. And I will sit here until judgement day to make this selfish, clearly posted, double yellow line illegal left turn. And you can go to whatever shitholes you live in to, in fact, suck it.”
It makes me want to use the great tool of all apes, The Lord Holy Violence (and a stick. A stick is good too.) to reduce that pretension to a pile of broken in the middle of the M streets.
II: However, I don’t think that solution is sufficiently elegant. I propose something far more interesting. SMU and UTA have a very large number of Chinese nationals studying on campus. Often times foreigners on an American campus will begin to clump together and feel isolated within the larger American culture. One way to combat this loneliness is by finding activities that allow the foreign student to integrate themselves into American society. It is even better when that student can demonstrate the unique culture of their home country as part of the integrating process.
III: In China, traffic laws are very frequently violated with impunity. Just today on salon I read an article about “the hit-em twice to kill em” habit in Greater China. The legal system is such that official enforcement does not matter. In these cases, individuals have begun to serve out vigilante justice.
CONCLUSION: In order to give the Chinese students of SMU and UTA more opportunities to interact with Americans in a non-academic context AND reduce the illegal left turn asshole behavior of the upper middle class in Dallas, I propose that we establish four hour watches from 7:00 AM to 11:00 AM; 12:00 PM to 4:00 PM; 4:00 PM to 8:00 PM, Mon to Fri. To staff these watches, we follow the completely voluntary model of the Catholics and their quaint Perpetual Adoration of the Eucharist (because Jesus might just walk off unsupervised. And the bishops don’t want ANYTHING to happen unsupervised). These watches will be staffed by the Chinese nationals from SMU/UTA. During these watches, they will be situated on the island on Henderson between the eastbound and westbound traffic. On this island, there will also be a supply of standard sized bricks obtained by the pallet from Home Depot. For every individual who attempts an illegal left turn at Henderson and Miller, the Chinese national is to participate in the Modern Chinese Sport of throwing bricks through car windows. On each vehicle, for every window broken (supported by photographic evidence, and don’t worry, the Chinese will definitely take a picture of it), the driver of that vehicle will have to pay a $100 per window broken. This money will go directly into a fund which will then go towards the $5 million dollars necessary to pay for an EB-5 visa.
