Xmas Ghost Story

My ex-wife once hand made biscotti for all the senior partners of her law firm and then handed out gift baskets around December 20th. She was disappointed they weren’t more touched by her gift. It was South Florida. They were Jewish. My ex-wife was a particularly gifted Irish-American idiot. In the true Greek sense of the word.

This is part of the reason I fucking hate Christmas in America. It stems from the three years my ex-wife lost her shit for a month. And from the two years I worked at Barnes and Noble and had to listen to all the Barry Manilow. And the two years at Starbucks. And the stupid fucking pub crawls of drunk white bitches in ugly sweaters tugging along their equally vapid boyfriends while I was tending bar at Houston St..

America doesn’t celebrate Christmas. They over-celebrate Advent. All this stupid seasonal cheer and forced gift giving is a ridiculous monument to Hyper-Capitalism. What we really need to focus on:

The REASON FOR THE SEASON — JESUS!

Yeshua bin Miriam. That little boy was conceived after the midichlorians raped a teenaged virgin girl from rural Filistinia and she was forced to raise him as a concubine to a tekton.

He grew up a small, Talmud-Nerd, Force sensitive child who would occasionally kill off other children in the neighborhood just to bring them back to life so he could show off his Force skills. At his Bar Mitzvah, he got into an argument with the local rabbi and was forced to flee into exile (Like Spinoza).

Following an address on a gift he received at his baby shower, Young Yeshua migrated to Persia where his carpentry skills and Force Sensitivity allowed him to become a Sergeant in the Parthian Irregular Forces. After fighting the Romans in guerrilla warfare for 15 years, he received word his younger brother had died at the hands of The Bethlehem Centurion Constabulary.

He returned to Galilee, finally arriving home the night of a great local wedding. He offloaded his Shirazi wine and became the hit of the town. Everyone down to the local whore loved him.

Yadda yadda yadda the Gospels are a watered down lie about a three year guerrilla campaign against the Romans who took their revenge by blaming the Jews for the whole thing, perpetually fucking them for all time. Yeshua gets his ass killed as a revolutionary bandit, but surprises the fuck out of everybody when he uses the Force to move a gigantic boulder and goes bar hopping as a Force Ghost. Walking to a huge fucking raver at Emmaus, he is surprised by some buddies who don’t recognize him as a Cobalt tinged Force Ghost….

And this is my point. Christmas needs to go back to the telling of ghost stories