Your Classical Language And You

The Common Places of Siliconía
3 min readJan 11, 2024

Congratulations, you’ve brought home your very own Classical Language. Classical Languages can be difficult to feed and care for if you don’t know what to expect. That’s why The San Giordano Bruno League of Astronauts has put together this succinct guide. To keep eyes on screen to a maximum and complex thought to a minimum, our team of lawyers, educators, and witch doctors have decided to use the rubric of house pets. Away we go…

  1. Latin — a Golden Retriever. Comes in two subbreeds: Classical and Church. Fun for the family and wholesome, responds to most commands. Good for children and the elderly. The Classical breed will poop in the house. If that’s what you’re in to. Which most of you aren’t. So go with the Church Latin. Because you’re a pedestrian assed weakling who just wants to participate. We get it. Loser.
  2. Greek — a Savannah Cat. Familiar, yet exotic. Also, after a few months, far far more pet than the average household needs. Also comes in two subbreeds: Attic and Koine. The Attic will not shut the fuck up with the singing and The Koine will eat from your trash can in the middle of the night.
  3. Biblical Hebrew — an Owl. Yes, yes, you have a bird and a very smart one at that, but this thing IS A FUCKING FLYING VELOCIRAPTOR. Once you’ve brought the Biblical Hebrew into your home, it will become a member of your family. However, it will also turn your dinner conversations into an argument about the precise number of feathers the Biblical Hebrew has, as well as the exact nature of the patterns on its wings. Keep this away from the Latin and the Greek. That’s how you get chimeras. And you ain’t ready for that shit.
  4. Classical Arabic- You have purchased one of those fancy show ponies that everybody loves but nobody actually rides in public. That’s just weird. What are you — an asshole? Nobody rides Fus-ha down the road.
  5. Sanskrit — a Python. While relatively drama free and easily fed, the Sanskrit will creep up on you and measure YOU for consumption if not religiously kept on a regular diet of 30,000 kilocalories a day.
  6. Old Irish — While we appreciate your commitment to saving endangered animals, are you truly prepared to raise a Sugar Glider in captivity?
  7. Chinese (文言文)-you have decided to opt out of keeping animals and have chosen to cultivate bamboo in your home. Keep in mind that the 文言文 will in fact grow to occupy every single space habitable in your home regardless of how much you prune it.
  8. Nahuatl — an Iguana. We really don’t know how to care for the Nahuatl. We assume the same rules apply from German and Biblical Hebrew, but this is pure speculation. NOTE: Keep this away from the Latin. They will mate and create an ixcuintle. If you do not know what an ixcuintle is, you are not ready for the Nahuatl.

Hopefully this guide will help you in your decision to purchase and care for a classical language. Whether you are doing it for religious, financial, moral reasons or you just want to show off at cocktail parties in Brooklyn, bringing a classical language into your home is a big step. The San Giordano Bruno League of Astronauts wants to make sure you are prepared.

Thank you and remember to walk with The Lord and that everything else is Yaldaboath.